I have some wisdom to share about being shy and how to (mostly) get over it. I was born shy; it had nothing to do with how my parents treated me, as is so often suggested in articles and by well-meaning people. When I was three, for instance, I fell off the front porch into the bushes and quietly whimpered there until my mother and Mrs. Cairns from next door found me. Mrs. Cairns said, “If that had been Denny, you’d have heard him at the other end of the block!” I simply did not want to draw attention to myself in any situation.
Thank goodness I was a good student or I would never have survived school…and I mean all the way through college. Every report card I ever received had the same comment: “Kathy needs to speak more in class.” One professor gave me a B for a course because 20% of the grade was class participation.
I was socially insecure, as well, though I did have a small group of close friends all the way through high school. As for boys? Ha! One boy actually invited me to a party in the 6th grade. I thought so little of myself that I wondered what was wrong with him, sad to say. Later in high school at a church youth group gathering, the boy I had a crush on actually asked me to dance. (I’m pretty sure it was out of sympathy.) I was so tongue-tied I never asked one question or spoke a word, and was grateful when the song ended.
So, yes, I know what it means to be shy. It’s debilitating! I felt anxious in social situations as well as classes, shame and embarrassment at being so inept. Physically, my body reflected my inner thoughts, with an upset stomach in especially threatening situations (in my mind, at least), racing heart, sweaty palms. Mentally, I always worried about how other people saw me, and felt like they were judging me. My siblings and everyone else said, “You’re too sensitive!” They were right. I was. But I didn’t know how to be any different.
And now? I’ve had a varied and interesting life, starting as an elementary school teacher. I didn’t mind talking to children, but it took years more to feel comfortable with adults. I joined the navy where I stuck out amongst a sea of men, taught college classes, spoke to dozens of groups on the emotional ups and down of deployments in families, was expected to provide leadership as the wife of a commanding officer of squadrons and ships, was Coordinator of an Employee Assistance Program for a large local hospital, and am currently a writer and speaker. It’s amazing to me that I have reached this point of comfort with myself. As I look back, however, I can see what gradually happened to me and what I did to get here.
Next week, I’ll share some steps that may help you, too, grow out of being shy. I feel so much better about being me than I ever did. The end result was worth the effort, as it can be for you, too, if you’re still shy.