Caring for a friend from afar – is it possible? In December, I noticed Carole’s wavering signature on her annual letter. In it, she wrote, “I was diagnosed with ALS, or Lou Gehrig disease, last January. Since July, I’ve been in a wheelchair.” My heart ached for her. My oldest brother had ALS, too, so I know well the many ways it ravages the body even while it leaves the mind intact. I called Carole, hoping to have a nice conversation, but her husband answered. He put the phone on speaker and did the talking as Carole’s voice was too weak. I was startled by how quickly her disease was progressing. My brother was able to speak until he died; that was not going to be true for her.
Carole and I became friends when we lived overseas. With our husbands constantly deployed, we relied on each other for many things. Our sons were best buddies. She’d had a hard time getting pregnant with John, so she was totally surprised to find herself pregnant. I kept John when she gave birth. Despite both of us having jobs, we took on the boys’ scout troop as co-leaders. In every way, we valued each other. And now she faces this disease with no cure. How can I help when we live in distant states? Doing nothing is not an option.
I take out my pen yet again, having just buried our niece whom I wrote weekly for many months as she battled cancer. Before that, it was my beloved sister-in-law, a treasured neighbor, a former roommate. This feels too familiar, but it’s something I can do. I just write everyday stuff. No denying reality, no useless pep talks, no telling her of my brother’s death, no “you’re so strong” comments. I’ll look through my scrapbooks for some fun photos of our time overseas, especially of the boys racing the baby around her house in his stroller. I can send flowers to brighten the winter skies, a good book if she can read, email or text. Small things. Things I can do from afar that say I care.
by Kathleen Vestal Logan, MS, MA January 22, 2018