“Support your son’s marriage.” Well, of course! Doesn’t every mother-in-law? No. These relationships can range from loving to strained to total alienation. It’s in your best interest to put effort into building an accepting, caring relationship between you (ML) and your daughter-in-law (DL).
Your son and his wife are adults now who can and need to make their own decisions, so don’t butt in unless invited. Their new life works for them and they will make changes as they need to. Will they make mistakes? Absolutely – but that’s how we all learn and grow. Jennifer (D/L) admits, “We’re still trying to figure ourselves out.” Jane (ML) is determined: “I will not undermine her. I will relate to them as a couple.”
“Don’t interfere,” Kathy (ML) advises. “Don’t take sides if they have a disagreement. If both ask your input, try to figure out what each really wants and if they have discussed it with each other. Other issues may be the real problem. If they do things that concern me, I keep my mouth shut. Otherwise, I’d be tearing down instead of helping to build bonds.” For Janet (ML), “I have to let things go or it can become a control issue which can make it worse.”
If you have something negative to say about your daughter-in-law – don’t. It will only reflect badly on you. Remember: You love your son, your son loves his wife; therefore, you need to embrace her, too. Focus on the positive qualities for which he married her. Also, if you let your son speak negatively to you about his wife, chances are he will later regret it, feel guilty and disloyal, and live in fear that you may let it slip. Establish early on that he may vent, but you won’t take sides; chances are that’s all he wants to do anyway – vent.
Support your son’s marriage and you will reap the benefits.
by Kathleen Vestal Logan, MS, MA May 28, 2018